i wrote the above in November.
it’s part of a story i’ve been wanting to share, wanting to tell more people about.
but i’ve held that desire with hesitation and caution.
not sure if it was the right time.
not sure if there would be negative feedback from sharing something that once was such a huge part of me.
for it was several years ago now.
but now, i’ve been feeling the darkness of that time inching back towards the middle of me.
no longer on the outskirts, no longer outside of the lines and realm of my person.
it’s inching in, recoloring the lines and make-up of me.
but i am fighting it.
i crave intimacy and vulnerability from like-minded souls.
from their art, voices, time spent and day-to-day lives: however that translates.
but i realized that i cannot ask of others what i am not willing to give myself.
when thinking back on that time i realize i didn’t feel close to people because i didn’t feel close to myself.
i was joyless because i had a misplaced sense of joy.
i attempted to put it into things and people unable to hold it in the first place— ill equipped to carry, to nurture, to be the base and grounding of me.
but i recognize now that the ground that is able to hold me is the one that i came from.
the one that was made by The Creator of all ground.
and that grounding, that saving that i so fervently sought, could only come from Him.
i’m sharing this about myself, i’m sharing this story, not because i want you to perceive me as a troubled artist, a wild and wayward wanderess, a deep and introspective individual or a warrior who’s fought a hard battle, but because i believe i went through what i did for a reason.
to deepen and strengthen my character and sense of self-sureness: yes.
but also because i know there have been so many words voiced, experiences shared, confessions given, and admonishings made from others that have helped me get into-through-and-out of so many hard times in my life.
and if mine can in any any any way do that for someone else, even on a small scale, than i want to honor myself, my experience and my one Holy God in that.
because i went through such darkness, despair, and inner struggle.
and if you’re there, if you’re in a dark place right now, so much so that you’re having a hard time seeing anything anymore at all, i want you to hang on because there’s still light.
there’s still a little prick of it shining-glowing-beckoning from the end of the tunnel.
and you have everything in you already that you need to start working your way towards it.
you can’t do it alone.
you need to be okay with asking for help.
but the start?
the first few steps of making your way in that direction?
that’s all you.
there's level ground just ahead.
And I will lead the blind
in a way that they do not know,
in paths that they have not known
I will guide them.
I will turn the darkness before them into light,
the rough places into level ground.
These are the things I do,
and I do not forsake them.
Every valley shall be lifted up,
and every mountain and hill be made low;
the uneven ground shall become level,
and the rough places a plain.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God!
Let your good Spirit lead me
on level ground!
But as for me, I shall walk in my integrity;
redeem me, and be gracious to me.
My foot stands on level ground;
in the great assembly I will bless the Lord.