A Girl Named Leney

THE JOURNAL

That Thing

that thing. 
the identification of which everyone always talks about gloriously obtaining when you recognize that thing is the thing that you love doing more than anything else. 
or, at least, more than most things.  
the discovery of which, allegedly, comes when you lose track of time doing said thing.

well, i think i've been doing just that thing for the past few hours.
three hours straight, give or take a few minutes.
three hours without moving.
three hours until 4:25am (and counting).
four in the morning.
and i am, by no means, the night owl i used to be. 
in fact i was telling my Mother (yawning while doing so) at 9pm just the other night how it was very well past the time i usually slipped into bed and started reading before calling it a night.
i do not remember the last time i stayed up until 4am.
(watching that meteor shower last month was probably close, but i didn't stay up for that, i went to bed and then set my alarm to wake up...)

all of that is to say...
pay attention.
oh pay attention, you. 
pay attention, me.
to that thing. 
that thing that you do and you lose track of time when you're doing it. 
that is a tell, it really is.
i don't think that using that, losing track of time, as a measurement and validation of your passion is a cliche.
or, if it is, it's a cliche worth embracing.
spend more time, time you don't realize you're spending, on that thing. 
it's worth while.
it means something that you lost track of time. 
that you forgot where you were. 
that you were that singularly focused and driven towards its production and outcome.
that you weren't thinking about tomorrow. 
that you weren't thinking about yesterday.
that you were just exactly here, doing exactly that.
that thing.
that's enough you know?
you need to let that, and the losing track of time, be enough. 
because it means that that thing is intrinsically tied to a part of your inner clock, it has such an impact on it that it muddles the arms and hands of it, and the sort of linear wave and anchor to what is your normal perception of time in the outside world.
and that's because it goes right past your inner clock and straight into the centermost part of you from which your essence and passion and dreams come from. it taps into that. and when you tap into that, you're acting on some sort of divine in you. a thing that was placed there from your inception and that you were, to some extent or some capacity, made to do. 

that's what i think anyway. 
(that, and that the outside world plays too much of an influence on what we think, but i digress)

if you don't think you have a thing like that, or if you've never experienced the losing track of time in a way that feels good, well that's okay. it just means you need to create space for it. 
if you're so full to your capacity all of the time, and on and in and out and up and down every minute of the day, well of course you're not going to lose track of time doing anything.  
because you don't have any time to lose.
so find some to barter with.
create some space.
sit in it.
be in it.
especially be.
just be.
and then try new things.
or, maybe, some old things. some things you used to enjoy doing but got put on the back burner because the outside world told you X, Y and Z were much more important. 
start there.
do that until you find that thing.