A Girl Named Leney


Posts tagged Late Night Thoughts

this is actually a post i wrote back in the Spring but in an effort to share more of the many drafts i have on here, i am sharing it tonight.
all Summer it has been an idea that has held up for me and has been on my mind many times during the past few months. 
i would love to hear your thoughts on it, as always, if you feel like reaching out and sharing them. 

this is an idea that has been circling the walls of my mind all week. 
sparked by a late night conversation with a friend over beers and gin and tonics and black bean burgers (just kidding. there was only one black bean burger. mine...)
i don't remember his exact wording but he essentially said: 

well you know don't you, that the moments you are nostalgic for, that you remember with fondness in your mind, are the ones in which you were truly YOU. you were yourself, as you were meant to be. unhindered and uncaring about the world and others perspective of you. 

and for some reason this blew. my. mind. 
perhaps because i am one to always be searching for enlightenment/self actualization/knowing who i am in every new season and aspect of my life and i am somewhat of a junky for self help/tips on living your best life and discovering your truest self.
but so much of that learning and search can be clouded by the external voices of the world. 
i believe we were each born with inherent worth and value, unable to be earned or acquired by any worldly action or accomplishment, and yet that is not largely how i live my life a lot of the time. the reason for which is often because i have lost sight of who i am. 
and because the day-to-day moments and the now can often be clouded, rushed, confusing and hurried, it is often in looking back at the past that this clarity, this recognition of inherent self, is gained for me. 
(the age-old adage of hindsight being 20/20 of course also applies) 

and as my friend brought this thought to the table, granted, largely expanded upon and explored by my all-at-once anchored mind, i immediately had moments in my life that i recognized and indeed often go back to in just such a way. with just such nostalgia. and i see, with such precision and clarity that those are indeed the moments that i have been, and truly am, myself: as i was made to be. 

a young girl running around in the woods and arrested in thought by different shapes of individual blades of grass. 

the moments of peace and calm within my apartments in the fan. 

walking around Richmond in the evenings and observing the day exchange pace with the night. 

the linear travel and connection of curiosity and play that encapsulated my childhood in boatyards while my Father worked on his boats. 

the sitting in grass, in the arms of trees, on the worn decks of old houses, in the back seats of cars, all over the world reading countless books. 

being cross legged on the floor listening to my Mother read to me and introduce to me at such a young age a broader view of something more than what was my immediate and physical world.

driving alone on back country roads.

pockets of time in my room alone creating endlessly hour after hour in varying mediums and materials. losing track of time as i taught myself new art forms and lessons and allowed my curiosities and love for process to shape the outcome more than my expectations. 

these are who i am. 
largely strung together during my childhood and during my adolescence into adulthood (a topic we also discussed, the reality of the selves we were as children being our truest selves and most telling of who we inherently are)

i don't know why this feels so important. 
maybe it doesn't to anyone else but me. 
but i feel as though it is, and something in me feels that it is an idea meant for others other than just myself. 
so here is where i record it, as with so many other things on here that can be listed under the tagline: or so i feel. 

That Thing

that thing. 
the identification of which everyone always talks about gloriously obtaining when you recognize that thing is the thing that you love doing more than anything else. 
or, at least, more than most things.  
the discovery of which, allegedly, comes when you lose track of time doing said thing.

well, i think i've been doing just that thing for the past few hours.
three hours straight, give or take a few minutes.
three hours without moving.
three hours until 4:25am (and counting).
four in the morning.
and i am, by no means, the night owl i used to be. 
in fact i was telling my Mother (yawning while doing so) at 9pm just the other night how it was very well past the time i usually slipped into bed and started reading before calling it a night.
i do not remember the last time i stayed up until 4am.
(watching that meteor shower last month was probably close, but i didn't stay up for that, i went to bed and then set my alarm to wake up...)

all of that is to say...
pay attention.
oh pay attention, you. 
pay attention, me.
to that thing. 
that thing that you do and you lose track of time when you're doing it. 
that is a tell, it really is.
i don't think that using that, losing track of time, as a measurement and validation of your passion is a cliche.
or, if it is, it's a cliche worth embracing.
spend more time, time you don't realize you're spending, on that thing. 
it's worth while.
it means something that you lost track of time. 
that you forgot where you were. 
that you were that singularly focused and driven towards its production and outcome.
that you weren't thinking about tomorrow. 
that you weren't thinking about yesterday.
that you were just exactly here, doing exactly that.
that thing.
that's enough you know?
you need to let that, and the losing track of time, be enough. 
because it means that that thing is intrinsically tied to a part of your inner clock, it has such an impact on it that it muddles the arms and hands of it, and the sort of linear wave and anchor to what is your normal perception of time in the outside world.
and that's because it goes right past your inner clock and straight into the centermost part of you from which your essence and passion and dreams come from. it taps into that. and when you tap into that, you're acting on some sort of divine in you. a thing that was placed there from your inception and that you were, to some extent or some capacity, made to do. 

that's what i think anyway. 
(that, and that the outside world plays too much of an influence on what we think, but i digress)

if you don't think you have a thing like that, or if you've never experienced the losing track of time in a way that feels good, well that's okay. it just means you need to create space for it. 
if you're so full to your capacity all of the time, and on and in and out and up and down every minute of the day, well of course you're not going to lose track of time doing anything.  
because you don't have any time to lose.
so find some to barter with.
create some space.
sit in it.
be in it.
especially be.
just be.
and then try new things.
or, maybe, some old things. some things you used to enjoy doing but got put on the back burner because the outside world told you X, Y and Z were much more important. 
start there.
do that until you find that thing.

Moon Musings

beautiful new moon
you are a welcome face
at my window.

you greet me always with a consistent serenity
pure of face and,
should you have one,

(though perhaps suggesting you have such a mercurial organ is a defilement to your etherial and constant nature)

oh to be as sure in my body as you are in yours.
whether bold
    round shape. 
    curved crescent.

teach me your ways, 
for though the night cloaks so many of my fears,
     the sun
                           each morning
                                                 what i can no longer hide from.

A Vessel

the vessel of me— i often think of my body in this way. 
as a container. 
as something that is capable of holding and harboring and keeping but also having the ability to be empty and having things poured out of it. 
namely thoughts, actions, emotions.
but i also just love the word vessel— as it’s another name for a ship. 
which my #daughterofasailor heart loves of course.
i think too of percentages. 
how much am i holding within me now that is good? 
how much is bad? 
do i recognize all of the bad within me and -if so- why am i still holding onto it?
can i be so defined, so traced out and compartmentalized and dually pure and un-pure to know without question the differences of each? 
i fear i am more volatile-capricious-mercurial than that.
i fear that i am often transparently so. 
i fear that my container is likely made of glass, and therefor able to be seen through into it’s contents easily and is left bare and awaiting judgement accordingly. 
vulnerable to cracks and shattering.
but opposingly i don’t think i would like to be made of stone.  
i wouldn’t want such coldness and impenetrable hardness to be my make-up.
i want to be softer than that. 
warmer than that.
what then is a good material to be made of?
mere flesh and bone?
is it wrong to see those things as paltry?
for, perhaps they are enough. 
perhaps the container of me is made so for that very reason, and trying to assimilate to another form would be to dishonor the one i’ve been given.

Level Ground

i ran. 
and i ran and ran and ran. 
the driving feeling that manifested physically beat inside me repeatedly until i acted on it. 
i constantly wanted to run away. 
the feeling i had, which i interpreted as a need, was constant. 
and yet even when i acted on it, even when i did run in some form or another, arriving never eased the command. 
it didn’t let up.
“you still need to run” something inside of me would say. 
“you have to escape”
“you don’t belong here”

wandering flushes a glory that fades with arrival.
and arrive i did. 
over and over. 
i sought, i found, i repeated. 
nothing was easing the restlessness and sadness inside of me.

until one day i couldn’t run anymore. 
i changed my avoidance tactics and found a new form of escape.
i checked out.

it was fall. 
i remember because the leaves on the ground around me were brown. prickly. scratching through my clothes to get to my skin. 
a sensation i probably recall mostly in retrospect as at the time i was determined to feel as little as possible— if nothing at all. 
nothingness was the goal.
“Leney…. Leney talk to me...”
they were always there during these episodes. 
they were the one person i felt safe enough to do this with. 
the only person i told the majority of what it was i was going through and as such, in my mind, they’d been deemed safe. 
but perhaps the reason for my catatonia episodes around them wasn’t simply because they were the one who knew the most. 
perhaps i was testing them. 
seeing if they could handle the darkness that was fighting to envelop me. 
seeing if they would try to save me. 
if they could save me. 
i wanted to be saved. 
but it wasn’t until they gave up trying that i realized no one could be my savior. 
no one except for the one who already was, is, and has been all along.

i haven’t had that feeling in almost three years now.
a realization that came to me only recently. 
it’s been so long since i ran -ran to runaway- that i’d almost forgotten i used to feel so.

i wrote the above in November.
it’s part of a story i’ve been wanting to share, wanting to tell more people about.
but i’ve held that desire with hesitation and caution. 
not sure if it was the right time. 
not sure if there would be negative feedback from sharing something that once was such a huge part of me.
for it was several years ago now.
but now, i’ve been feeling the darkness of that time inching back towards the middle of me. 
no longer on the outskirts, no longer outside of the lines and realm of my person. 
it’s inching in, recoloring the lines and make-up of me.
but i am fighting it.

i crave intimacy and vulnerability from like-minded souls. 
from their art, voices, time spent and day-to-day lives: however that translates.
but i realized that i cannot ask of others what i am not willing to give myself.

when thinking back on that time i realize i didn’t feel close to people because i didn’t feel close to myself.
i was joyless because i had a misplaced sense of joy. 
i attempted to put it into things and people unable to hold it in the first place— ill equipped to carry, to nurture, to be the base and grounding of me.
but i recognize now that the ground that is able to hold me is the one that i came from. 
the one that was made by The Creator of all ground.
and that grounding, that saving that i so fervently sought, could only come from Him. 

i’m sharing this about myself, i’m sharing this story, not because i want you to perceive me as a troubled artist, a wild and wayward wanderess, a deep and introspective individual or a warrior who’s fought a hard battle, but because i believe i went through what i did for a reason. 
to deepen and strengthen my character and sense of self-sureness: yes
but also because i know there have been so many words voiced, experiences shared, confessions given, and admonishings made from others that have helped me get into-through-and-out of so many hard times in my life.  
and if mine can in any any any way do that for someone else, even on a small scale, than i want to honor myself, my experience and my one Holy God in that.
because i went through such darkness, despair, and inner struggle.
and if you’re there, if you’re in a dark place right now, so much so that you’re having a hard time seeing anything anymore at all, i want you to hang on because there’s still light. 
there’s still a little prick of it shining-glowing-beckoning from the end of the tunnel. 
and you have everything in you already that you need to start working your way towards it. 
you can’t do it alone. 
you need to be okay with asking for help.
but the start? 
the first few steps of making your way in that direction? 
that’s all you.
start walking.
there's level ground just ahead.


And I will lead the blind
    in a way that they do not know,
in paths that they have not known
    I will guide them.
I will turn the darkness before them into light,
    the rough places into level ground.
These are the things I do,
    and I do not forsake them.

—Isaiah 42:16

Every valley shall be lifted up,
    and every mountain and hill be made low;
the uneven ground shall become level,

    and the rough places a plain
—Isaiah 40:4

Teach me to do your will,
    for you are my God!
Let your good Spirit lead me
    on level ground!

 —Psalm 143:10

But as for me, I shall walk in my integrity;
    redeem me, and be gracious to me.
 My foot stands on level ground;
    in the great assembly I will bless the Lord.

 —Psalm 26:11-12

A New Perspective

i wrote the following on January 1st 2016.

they were words i never ended up sharing. i think because i was still figuring out what they meant for me and what it would tangibly mean to live them out. looking back, i realize now that this is what most of my 2016 was about.
that discovery.

i think we are as a whole always becoming, we never arrive. if we have, it implies a staleness. a lack of growing. we should always be growing. we’re like trees in that way. even if we aren’t growing upwards, we’re growing outwards.

so last year was, indeed, a year of becoming.

as i announced the new website launch the other day, i now finally feel able to fully explain the reason i'm switching gears with my business.
because i have a renovated platform, in this website, that lays things out more clearly and genuinely and authentically to who i am and what i do.
i also am now finally on the other side of knowing what i want that to look like.
i'm going to share more specifics about this in a later post, but i think it's important to lay out the why first.

i’ve learned the importance of publicly sharing certain things after you are on the other side of them, after your healing and okay-ness and figuring-out no longer are dependent on others reactions to what you’re sharing. 

so, with all of that being said, please continue reading to understand where my heart has been at this past year.

this is extremely important.
something i want to discuss openly.
something i want to encourage others to seek out in their own lives, using their own experiences for perspective.

that being said, i also want to preface this with saying that this is a deeply personal post for me.

it's one i sort of all-at-once wrote and didn't even fully realize i was feeling and thinking as a whole until it all got out there. 
i’ve mentioned bits and pieces of the following to a couple of people in my life, but to have all of this out in once place for anyone and everyone to see is somewhat a scary thing. i am actually quite a private person in nature, despite my brand and business as a whole being a large part of who i am and therefor public. 

what's more, i have a horrible tendency to be rather prideful. to admit any sort of wrong, fault or lack is quite hard for me. 
however, i’ve felt something foreign in me, these last few months especially, that i wasn't able to put my finger on until now. until i wrote all of this. until i tried to put this all together as a cohesive thought and communicate it to you, as a reader. 
it ended up actually communicating something to me instead.

which is: i need a new perspective. 

i talk a lot about my love for list making, goal setting and generally being in a constant state of learning. 
this is possibly because i didn't go to college and so, with the exception of high school, i’ve never been made to learn things i didn't care about or have any interest in.
learning has rarely been a have-to or forced upon me.

as a result, i am constantly fascinated by new ideas, foreign cultures, different religions, involved hobbies, things and experiences i’ve never heard of/tried/seen/done. this amounts to an endless compilation of possibilities in the way of entertainment and wonder for me.

i truly am a person that is able and willing to talk about virtually anything because i’m genuinely fascinated by the things that people are passionate about. 
the passion part is the key for me though. 
if someone's excited about something, i want to know why and how.

also i find it's important, even if you don't agree with a certain idea or perspective, to learn about it. to understand why people believe what they do, where they're coming from, how they arrived at their conclusion.
what it is that a person ascribes to, whether it be thought, action or belief.
both to solidify your own understanding and conviction and to be open to a change of mind and new way of thinking when it's needed (remember what i said earlier about us being like trees).

and so after much thought today, on this first day of a new year, i’ve decided to make that a focus of mine in 2016.


in the aforementioned ways but also in a few newer ways that were revealed to me in 2015.

sustainable and ethical living.
slow living.
shopping small.

what’s more, i want to do something with my life to help people find those things.
because i think they're important.
i really do.
i am by no means an expert on any of those subjects, but i’m trying to be intentional about seeking what living in those ways looks like and in what ways i need to educate myself and grow as an individual and a business owner.

not to say what i’m currently doing with my photography and knitting can't teach or inspire some of those things for people, but i’ve been feeling this itching, restless, this-is-not-all-of-it sort of feeling for quite some time now that has me searching, moving, wanting to figure out what else there is that's missing from my life.

there's something more i was made to do.

i want to educate on the importance of living slow and sustainably. 
to practice finding "the art of the every day", which has been a mantra of mine for a few years now.

i want to do that in and with my business.

it's not to say that i’m not passionate about knitting and photography anymore. but i've slipped into a place of finding my identity in those parts of me and it's gotten to a point where i have a hard time seeing past those two pieces of my make-up to the other smaller, or maybe even just-as-big, parts. 

there's so much more to me than my business and what i do. 
and what i find my identity in.
because i believe in a creator who molded me with His own hands, by which i mean that my life is purposed. 
all of ours are.
but i need to walk in it.
knowing that regardless of my accomplishments, or lack thereof, my worth is pre-defined and outside of those things. 

which isn’t how i’ve been living.

my tastes, interests and passions are always evolving.
as an artist. as an individual. 
i want this space to be a place i can express and share that. 
for whatever reason i’ve had this stiff regimented you-can-do-this-but-not-this sort of attitude with this space. 

if i posted about a wedding, i had to post this many photos of it, if i wrote something it had to be on one of these topics, if i took photos i loved the day before, i couldn’t post them until i posted the ones from the week before. 
which is silly.
i don’t even know where i got these rules other than from my own perfectionist, semi OCD, overly organized brain. 
so in the new year i want to be more free with this space. 

i want to write. 
i want to share non work related photos. 
i want to share late night thoughts and lifestyle moments.
i want to share photos from all of my travels from this past year. because there have been so many. 
i want to urbex more.
i want to learn more about sustainable and slow living and do my best to pursue a lifestyle that reflects that.

these are things i'm passionate about. what's more is that i'm learning that that's okay to say. 
additionally: i’m passionate about passionate people.

odd as that may sound… i am. 

it's why i love working with other artists and shop owners. for there are fewer more passionate people than the artist, maker or small business owner. people who dedicate their lives to their craft, business or passions. 

there’s no surefire way for me to be turned off and disconnected from another than by their expressing overall apathy.

i see so much of this in our culture. we do so much mindlessly, routinely, just-because. because it’s easy. because we’ve been sold the lie of it not mattering and we shouldn’t care.

do something. stand for something. i might not completely agree with what you do and what you stand for but, bordering on outright lies and injustice, i sure as hell will respect you more for at least caring enough to be a part of something.

please don't fall into the entrapment of apathy that our society has been so good at cleverly and attractively disguising.

i sense a rant beginning so i'll end here...
overall i just want to express my own personal need for a change in direction and in perspective, in multiple areas of my life.

i hope that as i seek out these translations, in my business especially, that i am able to act them out effectively and with love. 
and i hope you will give me grace as i figure that out.

thank you for reading friends, as always.

To The Water

go to the water
to the water
the water

it's fading. going out. taking the shoreline and tide with it. 
like my resolve and spirit and resilience. 
i need replenishing in the way the moon gives to the sea. 

and i couldn't get to the water.
not the kind that comes to the shore from the depths of the sea. 
but it started raining. 
so i went to the water that comes from the sea by a different way. and i sat out there. 
and it saturated my skin. 

i let it beat against me.
over and over over and over and over. 
but then i couldn't get to the water. not the kind that came from the sky. 

so i went to the kind that comes from the ground. 
i immersed myself in blue and white.
drawing a bath up and around the nape of my neck and collar bones. 

my knees like little islands in the sea i love so much. 
and i sat there. 
and it saturated my skin. 
i let it seep into me, and then crawl slowly down and around me as it left and returned to the ground.  

i had hoped that it would wash away the feelings i was having.
erase. erode. renew. 
it didn't. 

but it reminded me where i came from. 
it reminded me where i was going. 
so i took that and swam. 

to the water.

images shot on a go pro in Barcelona Spain summer 2015
words written fall of 2016

Goodbye 2016
Cinemagraph by  Meagan Makes Gifs

Cinemagraph by Meagan Makes Gifs

so i know this isn’t a right-on-time New Year salutation, but as 2017 came to us on a Sunday, and i try to limit my screen time especially on Sunday’s, i wasn’t feeling up to writing this then.
plus i needed a little bit of time for sinking-in and mulling-over of some of the following.
this might get long, but such is the way of my heart, so bare with me.

i have felt more me this year than i ever have before.

a friend and i have this joke “you're more you than you've ever been” which comes about when we feel content, we’ve had revelations into our innermost workings, or breakthroughs in regards to external issues.

and that might sound trivial to you in a cliche millennial-generation-find-yourself sort of way, but honestly it’s how i feel. 

it’s the summation of what this year has been, and what i think will continue for me into 2017.
being more me now than i've ever been.

i think the following has a huge part in the making up of that whole...

my recognition of who my people are. who i can trust consistently in times of trouble, in times of joy, in times of in-between. who i can trust with the deeper and bigger pieces of my heart. having these people close and vocally stating to them, and myself, their value in my life did something to me this year in the way of my contentment and grounding that i’m not sure i’ve ever fully achieved or recognized in past years. having persons, a "tribe" if you will, is so essential to a healthy wellbeing.
i am so forward-and-backward-and-all-the-way-around grateful for mine.

my acceptance of who i am. quite a vague statement for a very in depth realization, but i am going to leave it at that.

my stepping out of a box i-and-others had built up around myself. in regards to my abilities, expectations, assumptions, limitations... all of which, imagined or not, smothered the person i was made to be. i'm still learning to shed the darkness of this box, but i'm seeing so much more light now than i ever have before.

my learning to practice mindfulness. recognizing how and when i was fixating too much on the past or the future and not being present---> the most important place of the three to be.

my intention and continuation of having a 'slow living' lifestyle. in so many new ways. which keep evolving and changing, but as a whole have made up so much of my mindset in regards to so many important pieces of my life this past year. which has only changed me for the better.

in addition to those key revelations and learnings, my vision for the year list (or goals/resolutions list if you will) was the shortest i think it’s ever been. 
i kept reaching to add more, tack on extra and additional, but it felt so forced that i kept erasing and deleting and cutting back again.
simplifying has been a theme of my year as well and it seems even subconsciously i've taken ahold of it in more ways than i originally had realized.
to give you some perspective, New Year’s lists of the past have had categories.
i’m talking headers with subtext, comments and sub-goals. which is all well and good but when it comes down to it, most intentions and desires can usually be summed up in a few words, if not one word.

and so, after looking at my humble little list, i realized the theme for my year (as mentioned on instagram the other night) is....

to create  s p a c e

to stop doing things out of obligation
to let go of things that weigh me down
to cease doing things that make unhappy

you would think that something of that sort would be glaringly obvious and not so hard to halt the doing of, and yet we get so caught up in routine and should do’s and the comparison game and obligation and, more often than not, downright fear that before we know it we’ve woven this tangled web that we aren’t sure how to get out of. 
it’s especially hard when those things have become habit. 
it’s maybe even harder when those things are related to money, as money is a necessity in this world we live in because, well, we have to eat... at the minimum.

and so the last quarter 2016, because i was starting to have somewhat of a quarter life crisis, involved me figuring out what those things were.
what i needed to change.
and, once i did, being brave and proactive about starting to let them go. 
again, i know that's quite vague, but more will probably come out about this as the year progresses and i figure things out.
however right now i'm not able to talk about it because i'm still somewhat in the midst of the figuring-out.
and if there is something i've learned time and time again (because for some reason i need to repeat mistakes excessively MULTIPLE times before i actually learn...) about a phase of this sort,  is that when i share something too soon, it can often change the once positive outcome into a negative one.
i've learned to share and be open once my healing and wellbeing isn't dependant on others reactions to what i've shared.
once i've moved past it.
once i've figured things out.
once i'm solid again, no longer shakable.

because when you share things too soon, even with the most well intending of parties, especially people who don't know you deep down all the way (see first point in list above), unwanted, unwarranted, confusing, misleading advice and opinion is often given in the midst of your journey. and if you invite too much of it, focus too much on it, and start listening to the outside voices more than that of your inner voice, you can step off the path and your journey becomes longer and harder.

all of that to say. 
i'm headed in a new direction.
i don't fully know what that looks like yet. it might not look that different to some of you. it might look radically different to the rest of you. but that's not really what matters because it's my journey and i'm the one who's a-walkin it.

so here's to all of our journeys this year.
i'm not going to hope that your paths are smooth and straight- for it's the wrong turns and bumps in the road that often make us into better versions of ourselves and we end up being the most grateful for- but i do hope that when you do encounter those unexpected and hard times, you have good people around you to help you through them.
and if you don't: go out and find them.

p.s. you're amazing if you read that whole entire thing.

p.p.s. i was contemplating summing up my year in a list.
a “year in review” if you will, as is my ritual
however, as i am one who’s always fighting against being defined by the things i do and people’s perception of that and being summed up in a list of accomplishments (or lack there of) i decided to refrain. and, also, because the value and whole and looking back on a year and all of it's trials and triumphs cannot be adequately expressed in a bulletpointed list.

Intimacy Lost

it’s a thing we downplay.
linking our souls to another’s.
for that is what you’re doing when you willingly join the intimate dance of a relationship.
when you choose to be vulnerable, a consistent kind of vulnerable, with another person.
because it’s a kind of shared intimacy that you only experience with one person at a time. 
sometimes even one person in a lifetime— should you be so lucky.
it’s an experience that often escapes words.

to show yourself, all of yourself, to another person in such a way, i don’t know that there’s a braver thing you can attempt as a human being. 
i’ve only truly, fully, done it once.
and it was something i took years to recover from once that intimacy was broken.
it isn’t a rare thing, most of us have been to this kind of depth with another soul. it isn’t always romantic either. for there are many ties that bind, and not all are made up of one kind of love.
and yet, we scoff and scorn the overwrought heartbreak of those of us who’ve gone there and have to come back.
we encourage the pushing-under-the-rug of the emotions and the reckless-quick-remedies of the sloppy mending of denied broken hearts.
we roll our eyes at the repetition of admonished pain, and tearful late night calls of confusion of the once-again laments of “if-how-why-when’s”

it’s not encouraged, this kind of process of grieving.
“get over it”
we say.
“there are more important things to focus your energy on”
“they don’t deserve your tears”
“it happened, but it’s in the past, let it go”

“there’s someone better out there for you”

but a healing is in order to properly let something go.

to let something go fully, you have to know where all of the pieces are.
otherwise you’ll continue to find them, scattered about, probing you back into the pain of a low-light reel of experiences past.
no, you have to gather all of the pieces, examine them, understand them to the best of your ability, and those you cannot, you come to terms with. 
and then, once they are all in your arms, once you have grieved a thing once whole, you release the pieces then, and only then. 
for prematurely doing so isn’t a full healing.
drowning the pieces with tears and whiskey doesn’t help (though for a night or two in the interim it might…)
throwing the pieces off of cliffs and into seas doesn’t help
trampling the pieces under your rage and fury doesn’t help.
running away from the pieces doesn’t help either- though that is the one most often tried.
it’s in the gathering, the cherishing, the knowing, of each sacred piece, of each experience, each memory, each circumstance in which you were brave. 

you were raw

you were open

you were honest

you were daring

you were loving

you were you

and celebrating that. 
celebrating the fact that you were a strong enough being to do that, to be that, to trust like that but that now, your strength is needed in a different way, it’s needed to let go.

that is the remedy for intimacy lost.

In Nature
My first Christmas tree shot with agfa vista 200 35mm film

My first Christmas tree
shot with agfa vista 200 35mm film

i always think of you when i see magnolias. 
and rosemary. 
and figs. 
and sometimes pine needles. 
i’m happy that there are such beautiful things in nature that are tied to you in my heart and mind.