Late Night Thoughts

Intimacy Lost

it’s a thing we downplay.
linking our souls to another’s.
for that is what you’re doing when you willingly join the intimate dance of a relationship.
when you choose to be vulnerable, a consistent kind of vulnerable, with another person.
because it’s a kind of shared intimacy that you only experience with one person at a time. 
sometimes even one person in a lifetime— should you be so lucky.
it’s an experience that often escapes words.

to show yourself, all of yourself, to another person in such a way, i don’t know that there’s a braver thing you can attempt as a human being. 
i’ve only truly, fully, done it once.
and it was something i took years to recover from once that intimacy was broken.
it isn’t a rare thing, most of us have been to this kind of depth with another soul. it isn’t always romantic either. for there are many ties that bind, and not all are made up of one kind of love.
and yet, we scoff and scorn the overwrought heartbreak of those of us who’ve gone there and have to come back.
we encourage the pushing-under-the-rug of the emotions and the reckless-quick-remedies of the sloppy mending of denied broken hearts.
we roll our eyes at the repetition of admonished pain, and tearful late night calls of confusion of the once-again laments of “if-how-why-when’s”

it’s not encouraged, this kind of process of grieving.
“get over it”
we say.
“there are more important things to focus your energy on”
“they don’t deserve your tears”
“it happened, but it’s in the past, let it go”

“there’s someone better out there for you”

but a healing is in order to properly let something go.

to let something go fully, you have to know where all of the pieces are.
otherwise you’ll continue to find them, scattered about, probing you back into the pain of a low-light reel of experiences past.
no, you have to gather all of the pieces, examine them, understand them to the best of your ability, and those you cannot, you come to terms with. 
and then, once they are all in your arms, once you have grieved a thing once whole, you release the pieces then, and only then. 
for prematurely doing so isn’t a full healing.
drowning the pieces with tears and whiskey doesn’t help (though for a night or two in the interim it might…)
throwing the pieces off of cliffs and into seas doesn’t help
trampling the pieces under your rage and fury doesn’t help.
running away from the pieces doesn’t help either- though that is the one most often tried.
it’s in the gathering, the cherishing, the knowing, of each sacred piece, of each experience, each memory, each circumstance in which you were brave. 

you were raw

you were open

you were honest

you were daring

you were loving

you were you

and celebrating that. 
celebrating the fact that you were a strong enough being to do that, to be that, to trust like that but that now, your strength is needed in a different way, it’s needed to let go.

that is the remedy for intimacy lost.