i have been away from this space for quite some time.
it wasn't intentional, at first.
but with each passing day, week, and then proceeding month(s), it felt harder and harder to be back here.
i am in a place of transition.
i've said that to a lot of people lately.
but i don't really feel that it aptly reflects my true state. a transition implies that you know where you are going, you have a direction you are headed, something you are working towards, you are moving from this to that.
which is not quite the case for me. not really.
i wouldn't go as far as to say that i've felt lost. but, in a sense, i have been closer to that than not.
i have tried new things, i have been in a state of movement, i have been searching, but i keep arriving at what feel like dead ends.
i am close to something, i don't know what yet, but by sheer will and refusal of stagnation i am moving towards figuring it out.
no, i am not sure what i want, and i don't really know how to find it exactly. other than just to continue to keep pursuing new things and not give up (if you have other advice, feel free to send it my way).
i've been somewhat silent about this because admitting it out loud scares me. it scares the hell out of me. to say that i don't know what i want. that i don't know where i want to be. and that i don't know where i want to go. but i think what scares me more isn't not figuring it out, but not trying anymore to figure it out.
so i am going to keep trying.
and i'm going to write again, because i haven't all summer. and that is one of those things that i do know i want, and that i feel like me when i'm doing it.
and i'm going to post on here again. because it feels good to.
so while i don't know a lot of things, i do know those things, and after having moved and fought through a lot in private over the last few months, i'm ready to come back to sharing things again. because my tendency towards solitude, in this at least, isn't going to help me figure things out i don't think. i need to be putting things out there, sharing, giving, having conversations and reveling in others company, which is what doing this and being in this space has always brought me.
again, i don't know where i'm going yet exactly, or what the outcome will be, but i know that i want to keep trying to get there. or, more so, to learn to enjoy the journey again maybe.
since we never really arrive.
so here's to that.
and if you're in a similar space, i hope this encourages you to keep trying too.