Thoughts

Ode To September

in

you brought with you a grid full of revelations. dawnings. awakenings. 
realizations in the way of this-is-mes and i-belong-heres. 
i often feel as though you do this to me annually. 
you bring with you the promise of a new season. in weather and in spirit. 
a chance to start over. try again. begin once more.
you are forgiving of me in that way.
regardless, i won’t complain. because the habitualness of those promises is something i flourish in. 
i can look back on all of our years together and pin point importance after importance that you ushered me into, through and out of.
i wish you would stay a little bit longer. 
but that is not your nature. 
i suppose if it was you wouldn’t be all-the-way you.
and i don’t want that.
your unchangeable ways is what i love most about you.

On Building A Home

in

building a home. 

it’s something i imagine and wonder at sometimes.
not in the day dreaming way so much (though it is obviously a dream of mine to have one day) but in the how-is-this-such-a-common-every-day-thing-for-so-many? sort of way. a thing so many take for granted.

building a home with someone, a man, is more than just residing in a four walled structure of brick and mortar.
it’s about those windows and doors that only the two of you know about.
it’s about being able to be silent together and pouring out every thought and word and feeling in you all at once and feeling equally content in both.
it’s about daily choices. hard choices.
it’s about stopping to ask questions other than “how was your day?”
it’s about loving someone at their least lovely.
it’s about staying when you want to leave.
it’s about leaving when you want to stay. 

or so i imagine.
for i have yet to build a home with someone.
so until that eventually-at-the-right-time day comes, i’ll just wonder at it.

Being Still

in

this is something that’s a challenge for me. 
while i excel at being alone, it’s very hard for me to be still. i bring up both synonymously, not because you can’t be still when you’re around others, you can, but i find most often the need for it is when i am alone. to myself. in a place of solitude. away from people. 
but as i was saying.
my mind is one that is constantly going. 
whirring. 
moving. 
progressing. 
growing. 
and to be still and quiet it, and my soul, is something that doesn’t come naturally or easily for me. outwardly not so much, i can be physically still easily. but inwardly… that's another story.

but meditating, having a quiet moment to begin the day, has become a part of my morning routine that i’ve tried to maintain. 
to intentionally set my mind on what i’m living for, who i’m living for, and what i want to accomplish in the hours set before me and my day. doing this has really helped in staying focused and motivated to get things done. amazingly so actually. i tend to hop from one thing to another and multi task to the point of unproductiveness. 
more often than not i’m working from home and that brings with it a slew of distractions. 

those clothes need to be put away.
oh i need to take out the trash.
i can’t forget honey at the grocery store later.
did i wash that?
that definitely needs to be washed.
what should i wear to dinner tonight…
i need to organize that shelf right now. it’s driving me crazy.
oh look a this photo! i forgot i had this.
instagram.
twitter.
instagram.
ok stop stop. focus. focus.
tumblr.
snapchat *super fast*
okay okay, phone off.
where’s that pen…
i need to write that down before i forget.

… you get the picture.
so.
this is something i’m still working on. still practicing. still trying to be. 
and that’s okay. it’s okay that i’m not always super great at it. 
i think for me it’s primarily just being aware that it’s something that’s good for my mental and, indirectly, physical health.
for my being.

but mostly, i think it’s just a reminder of this.

Doing It Exactly Right

in

sometimes i feel like i’m doing it all wrong. 
things don’t add up. 
mistakes are made. 
problems come up. 
stresses arise. 

but i recently had this thought: what if i’m not doing it all wrong. what if, actually, i’m doing it exactly right? 

for isn’t it these moments of indecision and frustration and problems arising and choices going wrong that most often shape, mold and create us into being better and more solid beings? 
after all, without challenges and having to figure out problems, we’d never have a chance to grow.
so then, wouldn’t all of the wrongness, all of the mistakes, all of the this-isn’t-rights actually, in fact, be the opposite?
think about it. 
give yourself some grace.
you probably deserve it.
because even though you feel like you’re doing it all wrong. maybe. just maybe.
you’re actually doing it all exactly right. 

The Things We Do To Find People Who Feel Like Us

in

an album title i came across recently that struck me.
what a thought provoking string of words.
people who feel like us.
it’s a comfort thing. an i-want-to-feel-safe thing. 
a feeling that makes us feel at home.
i think it can have connotations of a dangerous closed mindedness, an inside a box and too-much-the-sameness to it. 
but i think a lot of the time it can be a good thing.
people who are similar to you.
who share the same passions, interests, likes, dislikes, ambitions, plans, dreams. 
it helps foster challenge and growth. an ability to spur one another on in our journeys and pursuits that we share together. similar in and of themselves or not.

i’m grateful for those people i’ve been able to find who feel like me.
who are there for me through countless obstacles, trials and inconvenient times. 
and it’s interesting too to think about how i found them. what i did to go about finding them. the actions i took. whether intentional or unintentional. 

like striking up a conversation with a stranger in line for a concert.
responding to a text message.
taking someone to grab coffee.
introducing myself to someone.
accepting a last minute job offer.
going to a new place by myself.
asking to take someone’s photo.
saying “oh yea me too”.

these are all things i’ve done that have resulted in finding the most wonderful people who i can’t really imagine my life without now really.

it’s a good thing to think about i think.
so that i don’t stay inside my little box and comfort zone, and i am more open minded and malleable and in a position for change and new opportunities when they present themselves.
so that i can continue to grow and be challenged and find more people who feel like me.

Kinder

in

i've learned how to be kinder to myself.
more forgiving.
allowing for faults and discrepancies and mistakes.
extending grace.
embracing imperfection and a need for a change of scenery, mindset and routine every so often.

i take deep breaths
i draw myself baths
i take myself to the movies even when i might be the only one in the theater
i buy myself foods that might not always be the healthiest
i light candles
i push away from my desk even when there's a pile of work on it
i close and turn off all of my screens
i make time for exercise
i don't make time for exercise
i sleep in sometimes
i take off my shoes and walk barefoot
i don't always wear makeup
i go to those just-for-me places
i treat myself to things i don't always need
i go for a walk late at night or early in the morning or whenever the mood strikes me

i'm kinder to myself and in turn that helps me be kinder to others.
because what goes around comes around.
so they say.
i do find that mantra is especially true in this case though.

The Events At Dusk

in

whispering fading darkness. 
your favorite light is the light that can equally belong to the dusk and the dawn because, if you didn’t have a point of reference, you could close your eyes and open them again and not be sure which time it was. 
the familiar feelings aren’t present, and so the present ones make you feel like a stranger to yourself, but not one you altogether dislike. 
you miss them. you miss them in their familiarness. but you aren’t sure if that’s an alright thing to feel. whether it’s a sign of set back, of being stuck, or a sign of moving forward, of growth.
there’s the smell of smoke.
there’s the feel of grass on bare feet.
there’s the vision of blurry lights strung in the trees.
your altruistic turned mercurial ways. 
the events at dusk.

One From The Other

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"Quite literally the worst thing I could think of is having a job and a life where one only began when the other one ended. I hope you enjoy what you do enough that you have trouble separating one from the other as well."

This was a sentiment expressed to me by one of my favorite people recently and it resonated with me in such a very real and deep way.
I think it's something we should all think about really.
I was going to expand upon this... but now I actually think I'm just going let this be.
I think the words speak for themselves.